He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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