I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize