A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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