sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
vagina is talking i cant
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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