my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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