he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
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we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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