You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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