He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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