If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
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The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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