her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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