I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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