so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
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Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
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And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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