I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
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And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
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holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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