I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
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some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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