my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize