shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
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I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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