I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
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I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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