I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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