Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize