Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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