i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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