Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
