Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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