so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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