When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
As shirtless as possible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize