do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
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Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize