Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
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Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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