I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
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Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
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Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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