ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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