hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
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mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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