Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
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my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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