it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
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ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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