all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
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I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
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Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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