he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
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I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
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SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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