I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize