got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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