The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
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I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
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Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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