i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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