I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
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I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
They have beer where we have blood.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize