What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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