Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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