woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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