I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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