I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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