you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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