Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
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I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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