it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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