My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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