Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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