Cold hands, warm shart.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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